Signs Of A Controlling Relationship
I just wrote an article titled “Controlling Personality Characteristics”. I enjoyed writing about it so much I wanted to continue the theme. This next article will be focused on the relationship dynamics. Therefore we will look at signs of a controlling relationship. I thought about titling it signs of a controlling wife but decided it’s really appropriate either way. There are some differences between the male/female sides of the coin but in general it’s pretty similar. So let’s get going and take a look at signs of a controlling relationship.
Preamble
Before we dive into the signs of a controlling relationship I want to make something clear. A healthy relationship happens when two people have a relationship built on trust, support, honesty, and mutual respect. None of these things happen when one person has a controlling personality. If you see signs of your partner during the course of this article take a step back. Look into more in-depth information than is provided here. Like a real expert. Bottom line is being in a relationship with a controlling personality does not typically lead to a healthy relationship. In some cases it can be downright toxic. And life is too short to hang out with toxic people – especially a significant other.
With that let’s look at some signs of a controlling relationship.
Relationship Signs
First let’s take a look at some of the signs that you might see in the actual relationship. In my previous post I’ve covered some of the major signs of a controlling personality. Here we will focus on signs to look for in the actual relationship.
You feel like you are constantly being criticized. Well, this isn’t a shocker. The reason you feel like you are constantly criticized is because you are. This is one of the biggest signs of a controlling person – they are super critical. This in turn leads you to thinking you aren’t good enough at _____ (fill in just about any blank) over time. It erodes your self confidence.
You don’t feel trusted. This is because controlling personalities have a way of making you feel like you are untrustworthy. They seem to be constantly double checking your story about where you’ve been. Or who you’ve been with. Wanting to know about every minute of your day. You might hear something like “people in love don’t keep secrets” or “I’m just so afraid I might lose you” or other similar lines. The reality is they are attempting to control you and make you feel that you can’t keep anything from them.
You feel isolated. Another sign of a controlling relationship is feeling like you are isolated. Perhaps you used to hang out with friends frequently and that doesn’t seem to happen anymore. The weekly calls with your sibling has severely tapered off. This is no surprise since controlling people are very good at isolating their partners. They say and do things to make you feel guilty if you do want to spend time with other people. Maybe your girlfriend pouts and gives you the silent treatment for a day every time you do something with your buds. After a while you simply start skipping out on guy time because you don’t want the stress. And on it goes.
More Signs Of A Controlling Relationship
Feeling guilty. This goes along in many ways with feeling isolated. A controlling person usually is an expert at making you feel guilty for doing certain things they don’t want you to do. This could be spending times with friends, taking time to enjoy a hobby you used to like to do, going to family dinners, etc. The list can include many things. You might hear things like “If you cared about me you’d want to be around me more and not your friends” or “Playing the guitar won’t lead you anywhere, why keep doing it?” and similar type sentiments. Over time you begin to feel guilty for even wanting to do these things. Despite the fact it is healthy to have well rounded life.
You start doubting yourself. And your sanity. There is a term anyone who has read some of my other articles know I am fascinated with. Gaslighting. This is when one person consciously does things to make their partner doubt themselves and their sanity. Things such as denying you had a fight about something even though you know you did. Or saying you must have forgotten they told you something – and they really never did. It’s extremely manipulative and can mess with even the most confident person. The reason being your spouse or partner should care about you and have your best interests at heart right? Why would they ever do something to make you feel like you are going crazy? Why indeed – it’s because they are horribly manipulative. This can happen in controlling relationships.
You feel emotionally drained. Makes sense don’t you think? When you are in a relationship with a controlling person you begin to feel almost constantly on edge. Guilty, worried, frustrated. After a while the relationship and other person becomes something you worry about having to deal with. Or report to. Or explain your actions to. All the things you shouldn’t have to do in a healthy, supportive relationship. All of their emotional manipulation makes you feel emotionally drained and down most of the time. When you get to this stage do your best to see what’s happening and make a move to get out of the relationship.
Resources
If you see signs of a controlling relationship all around you here’s a few resources that could help you find out more information. And possibly help.
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People – by George K. Simon PhD.
30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships – by Adelyn Birch
Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry, 2nd Edition – by Albert J. Bernstein
Emotional Manipulation Tactics: 35 Covert Tactics Manipulators Use to Control Relationships – by Tess Binder
Manipulation: 21 Proven Techniques to Secretly Manipulate, Persuade, and Influence Anyone – by Leonard Moore
Conclusion
Being in a relationship with a controlling person is no fun. As a matter of fact it becomes what you DON’T want in a relationship. The difficult part is the person is typically very charming and sweet and protective when the relationship starts. Over time they sink their manipulative claws into you deeper and deeper. As the relationship progresses you feel more isolated, guilty, and depressed.
Stay vigilant to the signs of a controlling relationship. If you find yourself in one the first step is to be aware. Then reach out to a friend for a listening ear and potential advice. Once you can see things clearly take the necessary steps to put yourself in a position to be around positive people. Not manipulative controlling ones.
In good mental health,
Mat A.
The one factor or feeling I would like to throw into the discussion is being made to feel pretty much hopeless/useless. I was in a relationship with a successful girl from London (the money people!) and I was a musician. Throughout our relationship she tried in vain to get me to take on a more professional career, which I never would, as I trained as a musician in University.
In the end I was made to feel like a lower class of worker – because I was creative more than academic.
Just my thoughts…
Chris – very good point, thank you for sharing!
An healthy relationship is what everyone would love to have and pray for. The signs of a controlling relationship are essential to know so that one can check mate the relationship. Moreover, I must say you’ve done a great job by giving us the detailed and informative explanation on signs of a controlling relationship. Thanks for this, I’ll make sure I note down all these.
have a great day.
Thank you Salim – appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this. Best, Mat A.
Hi Mat,
This is a great article about signs of controlling relationship. I believe this is true for male and female both. Some time we hurt our close loving person by our activity. It does not matter whose fault in the beginning but matters in later. If there is no trust and respect with sharing and caring, I believe those signs of controlling relationship occurs. I am going to share your article to my friends and family member.
Thanks for the input – really appreciate it! It is totally true for both males and females. Controlling people has no sides.
First, I want to point out it’s excellent that you’re writing a blog for men and included this article without making it about controlling men or controlling women, because you are absolutely right, it happens all the time by men AND women.
Up front here, I’m a woman. I’ve been in a relationship with a controlling man. But I’ve also got male friends who tell me things from past or current relationships that made me realize women do it too.
Another aspect women (and some men) use which I can actually say happened to a friend of mine. She purposely got pregnant without my friend’s knowledge, then used that baby before he was even born to control him. Make him stay, make him marry her, etc, or she threatened him by telling him he won’t ever see his son. For YEARS. So great a fear that was for my friend because even taking her to court usually has the judge decide for the mother. It seriously messed him up.
There are way more articles about abusive or controlling men, but women need to take a look at themselves too. Men don’t deserve to be treated like crap just like we don’t deserve it. And anyone doing anything dishonest or manipulate like in this article is just wrong, no matter what sex you are.
Selenity – you really bring up some good points, appreciate you taking the time to share them. I’ve heard of that happening – someone getting pregnant with the partner’s knowledge. That’s simply incredible.
Hello Mat A. This was a very interesting article. Thank goodness I don’t see any signs in my relationship with my husband. I can’t imagine living that way. We are both very supportive of each other.
It got me to thinking about whether any of my close friends were in controlling situations. I do have a question – does a controlling person act like that in public or around friends or are they all sweet and loving?
Hi Mary Ann,
Fortunately I don’t know too many controlling people either. In answer to your question you can see if both ways. Sometimes people are controlling in public but other times they are more manipulative and have once face they show in public and another in private.
This is a great article! I know of many toxic relationships because the fear of being alone can be devesatating. Everyone had problems and no one is perfect but at the end of the day you only get one short life to live, so why live it in misery? The person you have described in this post sound alike but a wicked step mother as opposed to a loving partner.
Anyway you look at it, putting someone else down to make yourself feel better or soothe your insecurities is bullying, plain and simple! I can understand wanting to spend time with someone but to stop someone from pursuing a passion, hobby or relationship with friends is wrong.
I think this is a great post for everyone to read, singles, married couples people still courting, everyone! Making someone think that they are crazy to keep them with you seems a bit psycho, but maybe that something just my opinion right?
I will definitely be on high alert for any hint of these signs in future relationships.
Tanks for this critical information!
Renton – thanks so much for stopping by, really appreciate everything you’ve shared!
Your article is really spot on when it comes to controlling issues in a relationship.
I personally went through it myself living with a controlling partner. At first, I was too much in Love and let it slide more than it was actually good to do so and, yes, it really started getting to me over time.
However, I always was and still am, a very confident person and so it happened that I stopped letting it affect me.
I don’t like to go into details but it certainly stirred up some stuff and we had to split in the end.
It was a lesson to me and to him and we once met, many years after our split up, and were able to talk about our relationship. It turned out we have grown quite a bit from it and he and I could see the mistakes we both did make.
I was lucky that it didn’t go too toxic, back then, but I can see and experienced it in other relationships, as an observer, how bad it can get if you don’t step up and put an end to it.
Well, just my 2 cents on the subject matter.
Great article thanks for sharing.
Sylvia,
I really appreciate you sharing some of your story. These relationships are around us more than many people realize. Thanks again.
Hello Mat,
Very interesting article where you talk about controlling relationships.The reality I think is for those who suffer it as you show in the figure is leaving you little by little without a battery.It becomes a toxic relationship, it can make you lose your self-esteem.I’ll thank you if a person can improve this type of personalities, maybe with the help of a good psychologist.All this logically to avoid a future separation.Thank you so much! Claudio
Thanks for stopping by and you are absolutely right – it can totally make you lose your self esteem. Stay vigilant!
Hi Mat – that’s a very interesting article with lots of signs to look out for. Does a controlling person have all the signs or can they be controlling if they show just one or two?
In one of my previous relationships, my other half started to criticise me for what I called ‘slights, real and imagined’. They were mostly small, insignificat things, perhaps failing to open or close a window or not seeing that I’d dropped some crumbs on the carpet. They didn’t knock my self-confidence but they did wear me down and inevitbly we split.
So I was intrigued to read of the other signs. The only other one was gaslighting – I know the reference 🙂 – and that did make me doubt myself when her version of events differed from mine. She didn’t try to isolate me or prevent me seeing friends.
We split amicably enough. She wanted to keep in touch which I thought was odd – we weren’t going to catch up over a coffee – so we didn’t. I do, however, sometimes wonder what went wrong, mainly to find a logic to the situation. Do you think she was controlling or was this just a case of incompatability?
Ian
It sounds like she was doing some gaslighting on you. That is one of the most manipulative tactics in the emotional realm. Sounds like you got out before things got too deep which is great to hear.